Again it comes
creeping around my heart
lingering beside me
watching – not letting me go.
It’s long fingers on my shoulders,
whispering in my ear the same story it’s told me over a 1000 years.
I understand nothing as before.
Nothing becomes the truth again
and again I let it in my bed, consuming me until I fall to ash.
It creeps along beside me… can’t get away from it. It’s long fingers reaching for me, trying to hold me down. I tried to weaken it by cutting off the thumb, then I tried tricking it by trapping it behind the heater, but it came back… reaching again, reminding me of what I left behind.
As it grappled itself free, I saw its palms… no lines?! Its hands were Gummi-like with no markings of time… confusing me more.
I realize that growing up means I can’t run from this thing I fear anymore. So, I stopped and stood still as it crawled with its long legs out from behind the heater. My heart began to flutter as if a neurotic bat was forcing the beats with its wings.
I hoped it couldn’t feel my fear as it came close, resting Its fingers on my neck – lingering as I stood still. Its hands, warm and soft, could easily wrap around my throat. It didn’t grasp at me though, but gently held me. It was as if it were concentrating on the little bat beats that were pumping blood through my veins. It was terrifying. I felt it had the ability to destroy me… it already made me question my reality.
Nonetheless, I couldn’t get away. I had to stand up to it. Its face now near mine – I could feel its breath. Its scent surprisingly warm and familiar, smelling of morning dew and past memories.
Huh? What the fuck? I felt as if I had fallen into a lost dimension.
Creepily, something in me whispered “listen to it.” I shuttered and then gave in and shut my eyes letting go. I could feel my heart slow, but every beat pounded harder. My fear continued but I surrendered and waited.
With its hands still holding me, its deep voice uttered quietly, “No goodbyes…” It took a second to understand and then it hit me and hit me hard. All of the sudden my body relaxed, and I cried.
I was exhausted from being afraid and always the patient one.
“Where is my rabbit?” Came into my head. “Will he come and take care of me? Or will he be an ape in disguise like the others.” I thought of the bugs bunny cartoon “I will love him and cuddle him and call him George.”
The entire time It was still there, waiting. Too tired from this craziness, my legs gave out and I fell into It. Catching me, hugging me tightly It said nothing and let me cry. I felt as if hours had passed in minutes. I started to feel me – remember me again. I spent all this time hoping, slowing down, and waiting for something that would never catch up.
It was all clear now: I saw the past and the present in one moment and knew I was too late and also too early for what I wanted. I had lost my chance before I had one. I needed to move on and refocus but that required letting go of the dream.
All this fucking self-awareness was too much. I felt ill from thinking and feeling. I wanted to vomit.
Goddamn emotions! Seeing how I really feel is something I’ve mastered at ignoring… This is too much.
Suddenly I felt a rumbling in my stomach. I was definitely on my way to vomit city! The creature so lovingly holding me, helped as I rolled over to spew.
For a brief moment, as I was leaning over its arms everything stopped. I looked down and noticed we weren’t in my kitchen anymore (hello Toto?). We were in a field with white daisy’s scattered in lush grass – like some scene from a kitschy fairy tale.
Then the rumbling started again, my stomach took over. ‘HEAVE!’ At that moment I felt the oddest sensation in my throat and then mouth – a Finn?! As I coughed it out, a 2-foot-long fish showed itself! A fucking coy?
It was red/orange and gold. This fish I just vomited, lying in the grass below me with these eyes! They were like his eyes – a brutally, beautiful green-blue that I knew so well. Like looking at two planet earths from the moon. But these eyes, the way they looked at me seemed to know me too.
Of course, it wasn’t him! Then again, nothing in this “Twilight Zone”-spacetime was working within the laws Physics.
While I was concentrating on this bizarre turn of events, the creature that helped me along this very emotional journey looked at me serenely and started to walk away.
“Wait! Stop! I don’t want to remember all this alone.” It kept walking. I got mad „What? You help me see all this shit and then leave me?! Please?” Nothing… and gone it was, leaving me with the Coy/him, alone. I had to face this someone (now a fish) that I missed so dearly.
“The dragonflies are gone. The summer is over. Ironically, I had to tell you goodbye with it all. It was supposed to make it all easier, but it just feels wrong.” I said to the fish, while it stared at me.
That’s it – I’m crazy.
“You need water!” I said. As I looked around, I saw a pond. “Really?! I stop being afraid and this all starts getting super cheesy.” I muttered to myself as I grabbed the koi/him from his grassy bed. As beautiful as he was, he was slippery, making him difficult to hold. Nonetheless, he remained still.
I carried him in my arms, his weight much more than I could bear, but I managed to get him there. Bending down I put him in the water and let go. “Bye… again.” (who knows? Could be he hears me).
I looked up to a cawing in the trees. All this was happening while a Crow was watching us from above. I wondered what it could be thinking, watching some crazy women puke a fish and then talk to it like it was her friend.
When I put my focus back on the pond, I thought he’d be gone. Surprisingly, he didn’t swim away. I bent back down placing my hands back in the water. He swam around them, tickling my fingers with his lips – making me giggle like a little girl. A feeling I had almost forgotten. It felt good – as if it were really him.
Playing with the idea that this could be real, I carefully pet his shiny, scaly body as he continued, slowly circling my hands. I shut my eyes and felt him there, stroking his face for a while. My heart swelled with a combination of sadness and appreciation. I felt as if it all would be ok. That we found a way. I thought, “I can visit him here… I can see him again.” But I realized I didn’t know where here was. I realized I this wasn’t real – I was actually dreaming. It all made me understand that letting go doesn’t mean goodbye.
It was at that moment that there was nothing. I opened my eyes and he and the pond were gone, along with this fairy world. Like a psychedelic trip, it fell away as sheets falling from a clothesline – exposing my old world, with a new twist. Reality is questionable but fairy tales impossible. I had to be sad now and finally feel sad he’s not there, instead of pushing it away.
I grabbed a glass of water, sat at my table back in my kitchen and stared out the window, letting it all in, letting it all go – with no idea of what will happen next.